How can you revise this sentence to make it clearer

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Reference no: EM131452598

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing us to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Charlie! My name is Tom S., and I look forward to working with you on this Write Check Standard Essay Review to improve your writing today. Let's get started!

*Writing Strength:

Charlie, you do a good job including citations as needed. It looks like you have avoided plagiarism, a serious offense, and that everything that needs to be cited was cited. Good work!

Main Idea/Thesis:

You will need to be more specific in your thesis. If the thesis is vague, then the reader will not know what to expect from your paper, and it will make you more likely to go off on tangents later in the paper.

Generally, it is best to list your main arguments in the thesis statement to make sure you cover everything. Here is an example of a vague thesis:

Operation Iraqi Freedom was launched for other reasons beside the risk of weapons of mass destruction.

The phrase "other reasons" should be clearer, so I would reword my thesis like this:

Although it was ostensibly a response to the threat of weapons of mass destruction, Operation Iraqi Freedom also came about to secure

American access to oil, counter the threat of an increasingly hostile Iran, and introduce democracy to the region.

Here is your thesis:

Through a territorial and economic interest in Spanish territory, as well as evidence pointing to their hand in the main explosion, Marti would have decided that the American invasion was for purely selfish reasons.

What were the "purely selfish reasons," specifically?

Revise your thesis, making it more specific.

Content Development:

It seems, overall, that your paper is much shorter than it needs to be for you to prove your point. One result of that is that many of the claims you make in your body paragraphs go unsupported. Not supporting your arguments means that you are not demonstrating your mastery of the material, which is not good.

For instance, late in the paper, you say, "Secondly, the investigative reports showed that the destructive explosion was caused by a low-explosive charge, exactly the opposite of the kind of explosives used by the Spanish in the said mines."

How do you know that? Can you find a source describing what Spanish nautical mines of that era were like? What was the explosive power of the charge and how does that compare to the mine? What else could have caused the explosion?

As you write, you must never expect your reader to take your word for it. Thus, you will need to go through your paper to add supporting evidence to all of your claims.

Develop your body paragraphs.

Word Choice:

Many of your sentences are overly wordy and so become convoluted. Such a structure makes it harder for the reader to understand your position.

As a general rule, it is best not to use two words when one word will do.

If I said, "The test scores as well as from the interpretation of the teacher..." I would have a wordy statement that would be clearer if I instead said, "The test scores, along with the teacher's interpretation..."

Do you see how I was able to be more direct and still express the same point? Which version is easier for you to follow?

Here is an example from your paper:

According to the reports as well as from the interpretation of the American leaders, there were clear indications that the blast resulted from a mine around the harbor by Spanish authorities.

How can you revise this sentence to make it clearer?

Eliminate wordiness.

Summary of Next Steps:

Revise your thesis.

Develop your body paragraphs.

Correct wordy constructions.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review, Charlie. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision process. Have a good day!
~ Tom S.

Assignment paper

On February 15, 1898, the American battleship USS Maine exploded in Havana harbor. Americans wereoutraged; many blamed Spain, which ruled Cuba as one of the colonies in its fading empire, for theexplosion. Two months later, in April, Congress declared war on Spain, and American troops invadedCuba. By the end of the year, the United States would control former Spanish possessions of Puerto Rico, Guam, and the Philippines as its own colonies, and would exercise significant influence over Cuban affairs.

The outcome of the war signaled a turning point, as the United States took on a new status as animperial world power.In your first paper for this course, you will use your knowledge, along with a set of historical primarysources provided by me, to evaluate the following statement:

 "The Cuban patriot José Marti died in 1895, before the US invaded Cuba. However, if he had lived to see the war, he would have argued that the United States invaded Cuba in 1898  because of the explosion of the U.S.S. Maine."

Using Martí's writings from before he died, as well as other sources from the time of the Spanish-American War, make an argument as to whether the sinking of the Maine adequately explains the invasion of Cuba. Was this the only cause, or were there others? Which were the most important?

To better understanding of the essay below is the a introduction of the jose marti writings Excerpts from the Writings of José Martí (1853-1895)

For proper citations, see the footnotes at the end of each selection.

From "The Washington Pan-American Congress" (1889):

On the one hand, there is in America a nation proclaiming its right by proper investiture, because of geographical morality, to rule the continent, and it announces, in the words of its politicians, via pulpit and press, banquet and Congress-while laying hands on one island and trying to purchase another-that everything in North America must be its, and that this imperial right must be acknowledged from the Isthmus all the way south.

On the other hand, there are the nations of diverse origins and purposes, busier and less distrustful every day, whose only real enemy is their own ambition and that of their neighbor taking away from them tomorrow what they can willingly give it today. Must the nations of America place their affairs in the hands of their only enemy...?[1]

From "The United States View of Mexico" (1887):

It was at night, as is usual in these cases, when in a conference room in one of New York's leading hotels the directors of the American Annexation League[i] and the delegates from its many branches met in solemn conclave ... They were also there to honor the president of the Company for the Occupation and Development of Northern Mexico, a Colonel Cutting. ... Many Canadians were present, in addition to the delegates of the League-whose immediate objective is "to take advantage of any civil strife in Mexico, Honduras, or Cuba in order to act quickly and assemble an army."

The Annexation League was established nine years ago, and today, with branches in several states of the Republic, it numbers over ten thousand members ready to "march to the colors." ... Far from lacking members, the League's branches have too many, it is said, and they are organized like a reserve army.[2]

Document G: Monroe Doctrine

In 1823, President James Monroe made a bold foreign policy speech to Congress that signified a departure from past U.S. isolationism. The principles he laid out in the speech would become known as the "Monroe Doctrine" and would influence policy decisions thereafter. . . . [T]he American continents, by the free and independent condition which they have assumed and maintain, are henceforth not to be considered as subjects for future colonization by any European powers .

 The citizens of the United States cherish sentiments the most friendly, in favor of the liberty and happiness of their fellow men on that side of the Atlantic. In the wars of the European powers, in matters relating to themselves, we have never taken any part.

It is only when our rights are invaded, or seriously menaced, that we resent injuries, or make preparation for our defense. With the movements in this hemisphere, we are, of necessity, more immediately connected .

We owe it, therefore, to candor, and to the amicable relations existing between the United States and those powers, to declare, that we should consider any attempt on their part to extend their system to anyportion of this hemisphere, as dangerous to our peace and safety. With the existing colonies or dependencies of any European power we have not interfered, and shall not interfere.

But with the governments who have declared their independence, and maintained it, and whose independence we have, on great consideration, and on just principles, acknowledged, we could not view any interposition for the purpose of oppressing them, or controlling, in any other manner, their destiny, by any European power in any other light than as the manifestation of an unfriendly disposition towards the United States.

Source: Excerpt from President James Monroe's Seventh Annual Message to Congress, December 2, 1823.

[1] José Martí, "The Washington Pan-American Congress," La Nación (Buenos Aires), December 19-20, 1889, reprinted in José Martí, Inside the Monster: Writings on the United States and American Imperialism, ed. Philip S. Foner (New York: Monthly Review Press, 1975), 355-6.

[2] José Martí, "The United States View of Mexico," El Partido Liberal (Mexico City), June 23, 1887, reprinted in in José Martí, Inside the Monster: Writings on the United States and American Imperialism, ed. Philip S. Foner (New York: Monthly Review Press, 1975), 325-326.

[i] The American Annexation League was organized by American businessmen and political leaders in 1878 to acquire new markets for expanding American manufacturing and for the investment of capital through the annexation of territories adjacent to the United States, particularly in Latin America and Canada.

Hi, I want you to check everything and write the thesis sentences stronger, and the make the topic sentences well done. Also, can you rewrite a paragraph that is before of the conclusion. However, i think the conclusion doesn't all points can you add it, please.

Reference no: EM131452598

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